for only a moment

11:05 and I’m wondering if the girls are asleep. It’s been late nights around here, even though school has started. They don’t get up til 8:15 or so, I’m guessing. I’m not here. Because people, I have a job.

Not a job in which I teach children apparently. But a job. Anyway, the teaching children part comes later. This part is the testing of new students, forms for all students and trainings and meetings oh joy! 

Anyway, this in not going to be about work, so let’s move on. Right, 11:05 and not sleeping. The girls were so good tonight while daddy was at bowling. We were just hanging out, watching some Toot and Puddle and SuperWhy, and then they played in Clara’s room. I should have put them down earlier, but they weren’t bothering me and they weren’t crying and they’d already eaten and bathed, and had jammies. So… 5 minutes turned into 30…

They are doing well, in spite of the upheaval of staff at their preschool. At least they are returning to classes they sort of never left. They went 2 half days each week in the summer. Hannah of course loves it and so does Clara although her transition has been marked by more difficulty settling to sleep at night. Hannah will really love kindergarten next year. I wonder where we’ll send her?

I’m planning to meet my mom and sisters in law for a girls weekend/mother daughter bonding weekend. I’m really excited. Seems far away still, but the four and half weeks will pass quickly.

My wonderful husband brought me tacos so time for me to and brave the hallway, hoping no one notices I left the bedroom!!

So summer is almost over. We had planned to be on vacation this week and then later decided to spend the money towards our new kitchen instead. Oh did I mention we’re re-doing our kitchen during the first weeks back to school. Awesome. And not so much with the timing.

Oh well. 

This summer has been so easy with the girls. I took a class. But other than that, we spent our days at the water park and playing with legos.  Or toothpicks. Or foam packing bits that fell out of the attic. Whatever was available really, and bonus if it made a big mess.

But we’ve had fun. And it’s simple fun. I am amazed at how little it takes for my girls’ imaginations to take off. Clara echos Hannah’s sentences so well that she can now finish the sentence for Hannah. Also, Clara detests transitions with the will power of a mule. No. No. Three more minutes. Squeal. No. Then "Waaaaaaaahhhhhh!" when it really is time for whatever is next, whether that thing is fun (nap) or not fun (going somewhere). I think I switched those around. No matter. She protests with the same tenacity either way. 

Today I had Hannah’s hair cut. Clint hates it. I like it. I think it’s an improvement from the shaggy bangs and grown out "short" hair cut look she was rocking before. This time I will let it grow because I’ve gotten her to let me brush it everyday as long as I spray conditioner in it first. 

And now can I just say how much I really don’t want to go back to school? I love my job, but this is better. 

Hmm. I spent most of today’s meeting distracted by my own thoughts. Those of you who know me probably already know why. I have been numb since my mom called me with the bad news Saturday night.

So many memories creep into my head at inopportune times. I know that this loss is so much bigger for many other people and my sadness for them overwhelms my heart. 

The last time we spoke I didn’t say what I would have wanted to say. I know she can see into my heart now and know that, but still, it saddens me. 

Someone told me today that she’s in a better place. While said with good intentions, how that falls on the ears of someone who has lost someone…it doesn’t come out how it is intended. I will never say that to someone who has lost a loved one. She may be in a better place. But her children, they are not. And will not ever be. Her parents who have to live with losing a daughter before her time, they are not in a happier place. Her sisters. No. Her friends. No. We are all in a sadder place. 

Tomorrow I am rearranging my classroom. It’s the last Friday of school this year. Then we go full days Monday and Tuesday then a half day Wednesday, although students only attend 1 hour on Wednesday. Today I did all my progress reports. Still need to proof them and pass them out. Also the checklist for the mentoring program. And the end of the year conference with the principal to "reflect".

I registered for a class tonight, the last one for my endorsement. It is from 5:30 to 9:00 two nights a week. Clint will have having the girls by himself two nights a week. They will go to preschool two mornings a week so I can do my homework. We’re planning a camping trip to a lake in Missouri with my brother and his family. Other than that, our summer is pretty much wide open. Oh, I’m potty training Clara the first couple weeks (hopefully she doesn’t thwart my plans. I’m tired of buying diapers!).

Clara begged today to go to the pool on our way home. She wanted to go on vacation to the pool and hot tub place. Spring Break at Great Wolf Lodge. She was super tired and cranky tonight. Hyper tired. Still making noise in her bed now. It’s 10:01. Yeesh.

So I really want to go out to the city to celebrate the end of the year. Most of my partying buddies hate going to the city for the expense but I like it. Not the expense, just the going out downtown. I’d love to go tomorrow night but probably would be more fun the following Friday when school is actually out, or sometime after that. 

The year has been good. Much like other first years in other places, with regard to being the new kid on the block. I am slow to make friends, or at least to feel like we are more than friendly coworkers. I really miss the teachers I grew close to at my old district. And the students. I like junior high better. I like having my own classroom. I like being seen as an actual teacher rather than mistaken for an aide. But I also like leaving work at work at 3:00 instead of bringing as much home. I like leaving and not looking back. But I miss my connections with coworkers and students. I miss feeling like I make an actual difference. It’s a lonelier job. For a loner.  It’s good for now when the girls are young and I need to be able to walk out of the room and focus on being a mom at home. My spanish is a lot better this year as I don’t have anyone to rely on to communicate with parents. I’m the one calling for other teachers and translating. I hope my Spanish doesn’t fade dramatically during the summer. I listen to a lot of music in Spanish so that will help. I don’t have time to take a second class, otherwise I’d take a Spanish class.

I’m looking forward to the summer to get the girls back into sleeping better (always a battle here, with the night wakings). I’m looking forward to getting more sleep myself. To having time to meet friends for lunch, having the energy to take the girls on outings, to swim, play, bike ride, go to the library and zoo with them. To share experiences and moments and get to know each other in a new way again. Now as toddlers/young children. Not babies. And naps. I’m looking forward to those too.

Yay summer